Here we go again!

Remember that fun time last fall when I talked non-stop about my brain and how screwed up it is thanks to ADHD? Just like TV seasons start anew in the fall (except for recently, where networks have figured out that starting some in January and even having some summer-only series' works well, too) - so does my ADHD. I've noticed that I've felt a bit off-kilter some lately and wondered why, since it was so early in the year still, but it IS a good 15 degrees cooler than last week, so maybe my brain thinks its fall? I also think that hormones and stress could be playing a role. And really, looking back to last year, it was August when my downward spiral began and that was also a stressful time.
My current stress factors are varied. Finances are always stressful - but especially when you've got things to buy for a new person entering the home and a midwife to pay for, in the same time frame as when fees for the older kids are due for several activities. (including soccer for both kids... which should provide lots of laughs, which is stress-relieving!) Also, sometime soon, the mean Army will be taking away the "jump status" for Michael's unit. This depresses him because it means it will be harder for him to have the joy of flinging himself from airplanes. It depresses me because it means a loss of $150 per month. Stupid Army.
Speaking of bringing a new person into the home - yes, babies are fun and exciting and a reason for celebration. But let's be real - its also a bit stressful. It may not be a bad stressor, but its still a source of tension. How will this baby fit in? How much have I forgotten about babies in the past 4.5 years? Do we have everything that we need for the baby? Do we have everything that we need for the actual birth? Oh, wait, that takes us back to finances! See - thrilled about the baby, but also stressed.
And speaking of the older kids - I try to not think about it, but sending Aaric to school is quite stressful for me. I don't worry that he won't make friends. I don't worry that his teachers will be mean. I don't worry about him falling and scraping his knee and me not being there. I do worry a bit about the fact that he'll have lots of external influences and he'll learn about all the cartoons that we don't let him watch and all the toys we've deprived him of. But what I really worry about is just whether this is the right decision. Will it be better for him than homeschooling? Is it really the best for him and me, or am I just giving up without giving homeschooling enough of a fair chance?
That in itself triggers a whole big "Mommy Guilt" session. Sure, every oldest kid is the family guinea pig. But don't most people manage to make some right decisions along the way? Because we've made lots of decisions that we regret. We don't dwell on them, but you can't help but notice them. I wanted a natural birth, but gave up on that pretty easily due to my highly sucky doctor. I wanted to breastfeed but gave up on that because formula feeding was easier than pumping at work. I wanted to be a stay at home mome, but finances dictated otherwise. Those are just the things I wanted to do but failed at. Then we move into the things we did with him, but then learned more about and don't do now: vaccinations, circumcision, treating with modern meds instead of herbs/other natural stuff ("witchdoctor medicine" as my brother calls it), junk foods, etc. I sometimes feel like I couldn't get any of it "right" with him. But the last couple of years; oh how perfect they've been! No new big mistakes! Sure, i felt bad that I got it all "right" with Mikayla and he missed out on my ideal choices, but we were on the right track now!
But here we are, giving up on homeschooling him. Sending him away to school. It feels like we're saying "here, we can't manage it, you take him now!" So I go back and forth in my brain (the one with ADHD, remember?) and come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I'll never be convinced that its the right decision. Either way, I fear that I'm making a horrible mistake. And I remember that I'm pretty much stuck with sending him to school right now, anyway, because the funds aren't there to buy the next level of curriculum. Which is why I try to just avoid thinking about it.
Whether its just "that time of year" again, or stress related or hormone related, suffice it to say that my brain is starting to get a bit out of control again. Strattera didn't work last year and none of the official ADHD meds are ones I'd consider taking while pregnant or nursing, and I won't give up nursing just to fix my brain. Michael majored in psychology, but doesn't analyze people he knows. He easily just draws a line in his brain and doesn't even bother thinking about what all forms of psychosis we all might have. So the fact that he not only noticed, but also mentioned to me, that he clearly sees all of the classic signs of depression, says something. It's got to be pretty obvious for him to step into the "analyzing" role at all. ADHD has a lot of crossover symptoms with depression, and they have been found to be chemically related as well. So which is it? Well, I don't know! Which is why on Monday, I'll be checking into what I have to do to get referred to some sort of specialist. I don't know if I have to go through the midwife to get that done, or if I go back to my primary care doc, or what. Getting all of that sorted out will probably be stressful as well. So they better find someone good to fix me. Normally, I might go read a bunch of article and work on ways of dealing with it on my own. But toss in the "hormonal" aspect, and it kind of scares me. If I'm already starting the downward spiral now, I don't want to take the chance of the post partem hormonal changes making it spiral faster and lower. So we're going to get help in fixing me sooner rather than later.
So you can expect to hear lots of fun stuff about my brain! And if you're wondering, "Why is she telling us all of this? Its boring!" Well, as I've mentioned before, I'm a blog-stalker. A few of the famous bloggers, the ones who get as many hits in a day as I get in a year, have gone through PPD and wrote very openly about it. I've read lots of comments on them from women who were helped in some way by reading about a fellow mom's experiences. So if my talking about this helps one person, I figure its worth it.
I think I referenced it in another recent entry, but I'll link it again. If anyone is interested in seeing my in depth discussion of my brain last year, go read KellyR2's Blog: ADHD and Me There are several in October that discuss the Strattera that I tried, and how it didn't help, and also, that's where the aforementioned garden pictures are.
Speaking of which, since its 15 degrees cooler this week than last, I think I shall go work in it. Maybe one day, I'll have pictures of my beautiful garden. Well, don't count on any real beauty, but maybe "less horrifying" pictures.