Parenting Stuff

Some various parenting issues have been on my mind recently, so I'll be writing about some of them. I'm starting off with something that I actually did not write, but have permission to use. It's a letter from a family to their pastor, on the issue of spanking, and I was very impressed when I read it, so asked for permission to use it on my blog.
I had a big long, wordy disclaimer all typed out, but I'm skipping it. Let me just sum it up with - Don't take it personally, these are (and will be) thoughts about parenting philosophies, not the quality of any particular parents. Most of the families that I know personally do use spanking as a punishment, and I can't think of any who I view as bad parents - I simply disagree with some of their methods. And if you think I'm writing with you in mind, I can assure you that you're wrong. For example, I talked to my brother some about parenting today, but that is not my motivation for posting this today, it was merely a coincidence. Actually, my motivation for going ahead and starting this series that I've been thinking about for a while, is that one of my favorite bloggers has been tackling the issue as well, so it's been on my mind. (That's the Graceful Parenting one over on the left, and also referenced in the letter below).
See, I still got wordy. Here's the letter:

Dear Pastor,

We are so grateful for all of the ways that you have helped us to
connect in a closer way with God. This of course has had a profound
influence on our parenting. Yet, in light of a recent sermon, we would
like to present to you an alternative Christian view on disciplining
children. Christians, of course, are probably the strongest proponents
of spanking in the US. It is, so they say, their God given
right---it's what the Bible teaches. That is exactly the point of
contention and what we hope to humbly disprove.

Let's take the Old Testament. Some (our more literal-interpreting
brothers) would say that it covers a period of about 4000-10,000
years; others (our more moderate and liberal brothers), anywhere
between 10,000 to millions and millions of years. Irrespective of
which view you hold, it has to be astounding that there is not one
example of spanking in the whole Old Testament. This is especially
impressive when you consider the large percentage of OT books which
are more narrative than didactic. We might also add that there is no
example of spanking in the New Testament, even though the time period
is significantly shorter (around 100 years) and the majority of the
books are didactic and not narrative. Now certainly there are some
didactic passages in both Testaments that can be construed as being
pro-spanking, however, they can be interpreted in a different light
with sound exegesis.

Strange, isn't it, for a teaching that is so adamantly held by so many
believers that it is not illustrated once in either Testament. But,
even if no narrative biblical passage illustrates spanking, if it is
plainly and consistently taught in didactic passages, then we must
accept it as God ordained. In the Old Testament the only passages that
can be construed as being pro-spanking are found in only one book:
Proverbs. A good hermeneutical principal is to not build doctrine on
poetic passages. The wisdom books are full of symbolism and hyperbole
and are often a stumbling block to the more literal interpreting
readers. The "rod" in these Proverbs passages that so many see as a
license to spank is symbolic. This Hebrew word is often translated as
shepherd's "staff/rod" or king's "scepter". So, if we were to be more
literal, a closer translation would be bat and not twig! But that is
not the author's intent. This "rod" is a symbol of authority and
guidance, like a shepherd guiding his sheep or a king governing his
people. This is why the Psalmist could joyfully exclaim: "thy rod and
thy staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4). We do not wish to pass over
this lightly, because these verses are the foundation of the Christian
pro-spanking argument. However, to avoid repetition, we ask that you
read the following links www.gracefulparenting.blogspot.com and
www.aolff.org for a detailed analysis of these passages.

It is somewhat puzzling that the people who insist that spanking is
Old Testament mandated claim the passages from a poetic book, yet
dismiss clear instructions from a didactic passage in the Torah to
stone rebellious children (Deut. 21:18-21). Why the inconsistency? You
claim that one passage is obviously morally wrong. We submit that both
are morally wrong, especially in light of the culmination of God's
progressive revelation---Jesus Christ, who taught us, among other
things, that unless we "become like little children" we can never
enter the kingdom of heaven (Mt. 18:3. See also Mt. 19:14).
Implication: children are more in tune with God than adults. Which
raises the question: should the unrighteous be punishing the
righteous?

While the Old Testament is of great value, we recognize that no longer
being under the Law changes how we apply some of the OT Scriptures to
our daily lives. So even if spanking is Old Testament taught that
doesn't mean it is New Testament endorsed. Throughout the New
Testament the one passage used to support spanking is Hebrews 12:4-6.
Going back to the original language there, however, also changes the
meaning to the importance of discipline and authority in shaping a
child, not physical punishment. God certainly disciplines us but He
doesn't physically hit us when he does. Read the text. Proper exegesis
shows that the pro-spanking people simply choose to read into this
passage the very point they need to prove.

So, if there are no passages in either Testament that truly encourage
spanking, then we must evaluate discipline according to other
principles that the Bible teaches clearly. Jesus teaches us that we
have two goals: to love God with all that we are, and to treat others
the way we would like to be treated. Nowhere does He imply that His
words do not apply to how we treat children. In fact, His interactions
with children showed a special effort to value them and their
feelings. He also tells us that whatever we do to the least of these
we are doing to Him. Can you honestly say that you would want someone
to hit you? I can't. I can say truthfully that I would want loving
correction and instruction if I were doing something wrong, but being
hit/spanked/popped/smacked would not be a part of it.

Jesus' example was that the one in authority had an even greater
responsibility to act in love than the one under authority. We are to
demonstrate the Fruit of the Spirit. Yet how is hitting a child
compatible with the peace, patience, kindness and gentleness in which
we are called to walk? The Bible is very specific about how we should
deal with sin in others: We are taught that in correcting those who
disobey to do so gently (Gal. 6:1). Parents are specifically cautioned
to not cause their children to lose heart (Eph. 6:4). Having the
people you love most in the world deliberately hurt you is pretty
disheartening, regardless of any lofty motives they may claim.

The Bible is clear that parents have a responsibility to discipline
their children. But discipline and spanking are not the same thing.
Discipline is about making disciples, or teaching. It is difficult for
children to focus on a life-lesson, though, if they are distracted by
the anger, hurt, fear, humiliation and resentment that result from
being hit. As career teachers, our professional education classes and
our years of experience with students of many ages have convinced us
that the research is correct in showing that people learn more
effectively through positive reinforcement than from punishment
(negative reinforcement). You have seen this in the family of (name
removed), whose children are delightful to be around. They do not
spank, but instead practice gentle discipline.

Another important point is that most of us are able to learn best from
example--that is why Paul wrote to be imitators of him as beloved
children. Kids are expert mimics. Too many children in our nation are
learning that the way to respond to an offense is to hurt the
offender. "Turning the other cheek" is not supposed to mean baring a
child's bottom. We recognize that in other relationships of authority
(employer/employee, police officer/civilian, pastor/church member,
husband/wife) that physical punishment is inappropriate, even when
correction is needed. Children are even more vulnerable—surely we can
find better ways to correct them, as well.

When Christians teach spanking, the majority has several cute
euphemisms to describe it and a list of guidelines as to how, when,
and with what. There is absolutely no Biblical basis for any of
them—they are essentially cultural. Whether you call it spanking,
popping, smacking or hitting, they all mean to strike a child in order
to produce pain and fear. Why do we feel the need to create so many
guidelines: spank only on the bottom or legs, only X number of times,
only with your hand/a switch/a paddle/PVC pipe (Michael and Debi
Pearl, some of the most popular writers on spanking in Christian
circles, advocate plastic plumbing pipe!). Is spanking on the bottom
any better than the Waorani practice of slapping their children in the
face with stinging nettles? Why, if neither results in permanent
injury? If God didn't impose a limit on the number of times we strike
a child, who is to say that 9 times is worse than 2? While not
spanking in anger is at least more likely to avoid a total loss of
control and avert serious physical injury, watching the person you
love and trust more than any other calmly and deliberately choose to
hurt you is a chilling experience.

I would submit that the reason behind the euphemisms and rules that
Christians create is that our conscience is condemning us. We are
aware on some level that hurting those who are smaller and weaker goes
against the nature of Christ, and feel a need to justify and minimize
what we are actually doing.

Another issue with spanking is that as the child grows, the spankings
must get harder and longer in order to produce the same level of pain
and fear. When do they eventually start to cross the line into abuse?
Of course, most parents stop spanking once the child begins to
approach them in size and maturity. We agree that then it is more
appropriate to use the Biblical admonition, "Come now, let us reason
together…". If the child is old enough to reason, spanking is
unnecessary. If the child is too young to reason, then the child is
too young to effectively understand what the parents are trying to
teach, and the spanking is both cruel and pointless.

The false dichotomy that always pops up is that if parents don't
spank, they are not disciplining their children. That suggests that
parents are relying on spanking as their main or only form of
discipline. Permissive, lazy parenting is neglect. The responsibility
given to parents is a great, even fearsome one. By choosing not to
spank, we have gained deeper insight into our children's hearts. It
has challenged us to deal with anger and pride, and earnestly seek
God's wisdom, patience and love. Proactive parenting is more "work"
than spanking, but already the rewards have been great.

There are so many alternative ways to discipline that result in
harmony and renewed connection between the parent and child. Teaching
a child to do right is much more effective than executing judgment for
doing wrong. When we as parents obey our directive to treat others as
we want to be treated, it causes us to get behind the eyes of the
child and deal with the root of the problem rather than just
suppressing an outward behavior. It is amazing to see a cycle of
irritability and frustration break when the parent chooses to
discipline by restoring relationship. Many parents assume a time-out
is the default choice if parents don't spank. However, often what
children need is more time WITH the parents to reconnect, reassure and
restore. Without turning an already lengthy letter into a book, if you
are interested in other approaches, we would be happy to explain how
we handle specific situations or direct you to sources that we have
found beneficial.

The plan behind redemption is clear. God wants to reconnect with us.
All of the history of the Law shows that merely punishing sin doesn't
change the heart. What changes the hearts of our children is
relationship. Obedience grows out of love and trust rather than a
self-centered desire to avoid punishment. If children obey simply out
of fear of being spanked, their motivation isn't righteous, but only
self-centered.

As a child of God, my choice for obedience isn't based on a fear of
punishment. It isn't a get-out-of-hell-free card for me. It is because
I love Him and have learned to trust Him. My children are learning to
obey for the same reasons. If my children do wrong and repent, for me
to go ahead and hit them seems very inconsistent with the way that God
has forgiven my mistakes. I have a responsibility to show the same
grace toward my kids that I have received. It is God's kindness that
leads us to repentance, not His wrath.

We have chosen to look at this from a Christian perspective, but we
find it interesting that the research is overwhelmingly against
spanking. The American Academy of Pediatrics, like many other
professional organizations involving children and health, has issued a
statement against corporal punishment on the grounds that it is not
nearly as effective as positive reinforcement and that it can be
harmful physically and emotionally. In fact, there are some
indications that spanking is associated with increased delinquent and
antisocial behavior, increased risk of child abuse and spousal abuse,
increased risk of child and adult aggression, decreased child mental
health and decreased adult mental health. Consider this in the light
of Jesus' warning against causing little ones to stumble.

Sometimes it is difficult to discern what the Bible teaches on
specific issues. You have often used the illustration of God playing
hide and seek in order to encourage us to dig deeper and seek Him with
all of our hearts. On the topic of spanking, He has given us glimpses
of His heart--the parable of the unmerciful servant (Mt. 18:21-35), I
John 4, James 2:13. None of these suggest ignoring or excusing sin,
but they all teach us to be humble and loving as we show others,
regardless of their age, a better way.

In closing, we chose to write this to you because of our respect for
you. We know that you are someone who has the courage to look beyond
the easy, superficial answers and the integrity to hold convictions
that may not be popular. Believe us, in Christian circles not spanking
is tantamount to heresy, but it is a very worthy cause. We humbly
suggest that spanking is just another religiously transmitted disease.
We love you and your family and are grateful that God has placed us
under your spiritual leadership. May God bless you and your family.

(names removed)

The following list includes just some of the organizations that have
issued a statement against spanking in the home:

* American Academy of Pediatrics
* American Humane Association
* American Orthopsychiatric Association
* Association for Childhood Education International
* California Medical Association
* Early Childhood Association of Florida
* Family Service of Milwaukee
* International Child Art Foundation
* National Association of Social Workers
* National Foster Parent Association
* Parents Anonymous
* Society for Adolescent Medicine
* United Methodist Church
* Wisconsin Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board